You don’t realize how much impact people have on your life until they are gone. You don’t realize how much you depend on them to lighten your moods or sympathize with you when you are having problems or just simply telling you you’re beautiful when you need it. Jesse was that person for me. Adjusting to not speaking to him is the most challenging part of this process.
Everyday is different, but my mood hasn’t lifted much. I know traveling is a good decision, but trying to sort through the melting pot of emotions while meeting new people is quite difficult. I feel as though a piece of me is missing. I’m in a constant daze when I talk to people. My brain is fogged with constant thoughts of Jesse and how this could have happened. Individuals try to have a conversation with me and all I see is their mouth moving. I can’t focus because my mind is elsewhere.
It’s like my personality is stripped. The usual upbeat outgoing Carly, now feels encased by a hard shell full of dull surface level conversations or at least that’s how I feel I come off. I have a hard time letting people in as I feel I don’t want to bring the mood down. No one wants to hear someone close to you committed suicide so a lot of times I keep it to myself. I feel vulnerable and overly sensitive with the inability to trust in such a raw state. I am more indecisive than I’ve ever been and feel like I’m at fault for things that are out of my control. I’m not myself because I’ve lost someone who made me better.
Loneliness continues to stick no matter how many people I have around me. I feel alone in the sorrow that surrounds me. I feel I should be stronger and should stop crying, but even when I try with all my strength my mind goes back to him. I think about Jesse all the time without intention of doing so. Whether it be a phrase we used say to each other or a song that we listened to, a funny memory or simply just the curves of his face. I remember one morning waking up and just staring at him. I couldn't believe he was my boyfriend because I found him to be so much more handsome than I was beautiful. People flocked to him in public places. He was strong and kind with a good head of hair and the best laugh ever.
People talk about the grieving process as though it's a cycle. They put time limits on it. They say within a year to eighteen months I may start to feel a bit of normalcy again. When I heard that I bawked. I don't think I'll ever feel completely normal again. Jesse was big part of my life and now his death has further impacted my life in a way where I will never be the same again. This is my new normal, I just need to adapt and find a way to free myself of the pain and sadness.
The same unanswered questions run through my head on a daily basis. The shock and denial still sits heavily on my heart cracking it further into oblivion. I still blame myself and feel guilty for things that were out of my control. The sadness is deeper and the desperation to talk to him increases by the minute. It has been over four months and it still feels like I'm stuck between the thoughts of this can’t be real and complete devastation. This is to be expected though, or at least I think it is.
That brings me to my next question... What is normal is this situation? How is one supposed to feel other than broken?
I know there is nothing normal about what’s happened. There is no handbook on how to feel or what stages one should be at at a certain time. I have learned that I need to accept and acknowledge the feelings that arise, honor them and trust that it’s all in the healing process.
I reckon it's going to take quite a bit of time and reflection before I am able to rid myself of the constant questions and accusations, the guilt and the sadness. Although I preach the act of forgiving and moving on, it’s a lot easier said than done.
The truth is, I'm lost and feel incredibly damaged, but that's okay. It's going to have to be. I know Jesse would want me to continue living my life to the fullest, but how could he not know that losing him would make me suffer?
Reading the Power of Now is a good reminder to be present, but to actually practice presence is hard. To not let talk of the past or future affect the now is a difficult task to apply to your everyday. The truth is dwelling on the past won’t do anything, but the rollercoaster of emotions I deal with on a daily basis doesn’t stop. Most times the tears come randomly. It could be in the middle of a conversation with someone or simply riding on a bus watching the scenery pass by. Tears I can deal with as it’s a healthy release of emotions, I just want the heaviness of my heart to lighten. I want to stop second guessing everything I’m doing and trust that life will all work out.
The Power of Now also talks about fear being something created by our minds and I get it, but I don’t know how to push my newest fears away. I fear many things after losing Jesse. I'm afraid to open my heart again. I'm afraid to hurt anyone's feelings or speak my mind sometimes. I'm afraid to open up to people when they ask me how I'm doing because I believe the honest truth will scare them. I hold back from having fun sometimes because it doesn't feel right smiling and laughing when he isn't here. I fear my lack of understanding of suicide will drive me crazy. I have this fear that in my future relationships I'll never be certain if my partner is happy or not. I'll never be certain if they break up with me if they are doing it to protect me from the heart break I'll feel when they kill themselves. I believe these fears are justified, I just have to find a way to not let them rule my life.
I know I have to push on and keep doing the things that inspire me to be better and do better and maybe that's just going to be traveling for now. Maybe I'll find solace and peace in travel again. Maybe traveling will help me find happiness again as it’s had that affect on me before. All I know is I’m doing the best I can.
Remember to thank the people who are trying to help you through it, even if they don't say the right things and you feel angry with them, understand that they are coming from a good place in their heart and want you to be happy. Rejoice in the memories you have with your loved one who you've lost. Keep their family and friends close and celebrate their life as best you know how. Honor your body, do what you think is right.
Don't be afraid to cry. For your tears are a necessary release your body needs from all the sadness. Talk to the ones you've lost and write it down if you dream of them or are having intense flashbacks. I talk to Jesse all the time. I need to keep him alive so I reread our messages and watch videos to hear his voice. I need to keep him alive because not talking to him is really getting to me. Writing is the main thing that has helped me most in the healing process and I appreciate you taking the time to read my thoughts.
Chin up mate as Jesse would say.