Changing My Mindset
It’s days like these I wonder, why me? Why did my grandma have to die suddenly when I was away for 14 months? Why do I have to lose someone I love at such a young age to suicide? Why do I have to suffer with an eating disorder for almost five years? Why do all things happen when they do? Why?!
I am trying to make sense of it all really. I still haven’t fully digested the loss of JB, but I know I will have to one day. I haven’t digested it because I am angry and that anger is keeping me from accepting the fact that he is gone. Once I digest it maybe it will start to feel real. I know that grief is a rollercoaster and that with intention I will make it through.
When I had an eating disorder I tried to convince myself that I was fine, AKA denial. And then all of a sudden it all comes to fruition and you finally realize, “Wow I am sick.” I knew I was sick when I was in that rehabilitation center, but I always compared myself to the other girls, “Oh I’m not as bad as her so I must be okay.”
Here’s the honest to god truth, if you spend your whole life comparing yourself to others and asking "WHY ME" then you’re wasting your own life. No one is perfect and no two peoples’ lives are the same. No one is going to have the answers to all the questions. No one is going to tell you what to do with the rest of your life because they are trying to figure it out themselves. The only person in control of your own destiny is you.
The counseling in the rehab facility was not very enticing and that’s because I didn’t want help at the time. I wanted the eating disorder to be gone, but I didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that I had it. In light of recent events, I have found a new love for counseling and an intense appreciation for the humans who decide to take that career path. Mental illness is much more common than many think. It’s healthy to get it all out. As I have mentioned before, its important to find a form of therapy that resonates with you whether it be talking to someone or writing, hanging out with dogs, listening to music, etc.
It’s important to remember life is anything but fair. However, we are also the lucky ones to get to experience it. Although this heartbreak is the worst pain I have ever gone through, I wouldn’t change meeting him for the world. I wouldn't change traveling for these past few years and being away from my family. I wouldn't change where I went to school or joining a sorority. I wouldn’t change anything about my past because it made me who I am today. Instead of asking myself “why” and questioning my lesson in this life, I have decided to embrace it. I am incredibly blessed to have an amazing support system all around the world and am lucky to have made it this far.
The world is a beautiful place full of good souls and amazing energy. Everyone has their good days and bad days. You have to remember to focus on the good because if you spend all of your energy focusing on the negatives and living in the past it will only hurt you in the long run. Changing your way of thinking and your perspective will affect every aspect of your life in a positive way.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right?