Struggling with Control
Do you ever feel like your spiralling out of control? Like no matter how hard you try, you feel helpless as if there is nothing you can do to change how you are feeling? If you've answered yes, you're not alone. I've been there. I am there, but I am slowly working my way out of it. Adjusting to a new reality is challenging.
Since Jesse left, I have felt lost and numb. A piece of me is missing and I have no control over that because I can’t change reality. I’m full of self doubt and constantly second guess every decision I make, whether it be what to have for a snack or where to go on my next adventure. I am full of doubt because the guilt and sadness continues to eat away at me. I have been told this is to be expected when dealing with the aftermath of losing a loved one to suicide, but who's to say what’s normal?
I have always been an A type, highly productive person who always wants things in order and to go exactly as planned. Well reality check, things will never go exactly as planned. Nothing is ever going to be perfect.
Life is forever changing and I can only control certain aspects of my life. I’m really trying my hardest to be the best person I can be, but lately the depression has eaten me up... no pun intended. The truth is, I have started to feel like a terrible person. Everything I have ever done wrong in my life replays over and over again in my head like a broken record. I feel guilty for the things I have done in the past and can't seem to let things go. I started to think that maybe I deserve this heart ache of losing Jesse. I deserve to suffer through an eating disorder because of things I’ve done in my current and past lives. I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy.
All I want to do is not feel like this anymore. It brings me back to the time when I was fully controlled by my eating disorder. Loneliness along with the heaviness of my heart, the constant yearning to do better, but the inability to actually feel like I am making any progress is how I felt then and it is how I feel now.
I’ve fallen back into depression and realized that my eating disorder will probably never fully go away because there will always be highs and lows of life. I stress eat. I eat when I’m bored. I eat when I’m drunk. I eat when I’m lonely. So on and so forth... I know others do this as well which doesn’t mean they have an eating disorder, but my past unfortunately allows me to slowly slip into habits that are detrimental to my health. The good thing is I’m aware of it and I can talk about it openly with friends and family. This is the key, being open and honest about what I am feeling inside because if I continue to bottle it up I’ll never begin to heal.
Coming home over the holidays has been a blessing as I’ve been able to surround myself with my amazing support system while attending counseling. I voice all of this to my counselor and she understands. She makes me like there is normalcy in my feelings, although there is nothing normal about this situation. Grief is handled in all sorts of ways and there are a number of stages people experience at different times. It’s a mixture of all emotions with the constant feeling of spiraling out of control.
I’ve lost my drive and I’ve somewhat stopped caring. There has been a lack of motivation and a whole bunch of negativity that inhibits my thoughts on a day to day basis. This is finally when I realized that something needs to change. I need to focus on what I can control and find some sort of purpose again. I need to write down a list of goals of any size and try to achieve them. Even if I fail, at least I tried...
Since I have been home one of the things my counselor and I have been discussing is the impact Jesse had on my life. He was truly the one that encouraged me to get my story out there and before he passed it was my goal to make this blog successful. So I have decided to get serious about building my following in order to inspire others to travel while reminding them they are never alone through life’s many struggles. I will continue to write not only because it’s cathartic, but because I’m passionate about helping people. I will check a few more countries off the list and continue to do the things that used to make me happy.
I’m interested to see if this can work and boy, if I does I’ll be over the moon. Since writing down this goal after my counseling session I have dedicated a lot of time and energy into finishing entries I’ve been working on for a while and building my following. This distraction has helped in some way take my mind off the pain or better yet, it has allowed me to channel that pain into something worth while. Although I’m still adjusting to life without him at least I’m doing something with my time.
This leads me my main point of this entry.... What can I control? What few things can I focus on to help me heal?
I can control what I say. I’m not proud of the lies that I have told in the past especially when struggling with my eating disorder. Sometimes I would catch myself lying about things for no reason at all. Maybe just to feel cool or make me look better. I’m not sure what the reason was, but I am not proud of the way I acted in my younger years on this Earth. I need to make it a point to live my life based on truth and honesty.
I can control how often I write. I plan to post at least one entry a week if not more. Writing is cathartic and being able to share my personal struggles as well as my travel stories brings me joy.
I can control what I read. I will read one book a month this year. A mixture of self-help and glorious fiction novels. A New Years resolution I plan to keep!
I can control where I travel to. I have decided to visit a number of new countries this year and hope you will follow me through my adventures.
I can control who I surround myself with. Well, to some degree. I believe you are who you surround yourself with and the relationships you have with others is a true testament to your character.
I can control what I eat. Now that I’m not uncontrollably binging on food anymore, I can control what I put in my mouth as long as I am in the present moment and practicing mindfulness. Focus on wholesome meals without stressing about indulging every once in a while.
I can control how I treat others. I will be the best person I can be and treat others the way I want to be treated. I will try to bring back that positive and engaging Carly that was there before losing my way.
I can control how I treat myself. This last one is the most important because if I don’t start believing in myself again then all is lost. I have to give myself credit where credit is due and cut myself some slack. It’s only been seven months. Seven incredibly tough and lonely months, full of tears and heartbreak, but also full of many laughs and beautiful memories. I need to start focusing on the positives. Wake up everyday and be thankful for what I have. I have always been my own worst critic and always will be. This is what I have to work on... Instead of being hard on myself for feeling too much I am going to try to accept it and work through it. I will use my resources and continue to set small goals everyday so I feel like I’m accomplishing something.
Here’s to accomplishing something in 2018. Here’s to being proud of who I am and what I’m doing because I need to get back to the place where I’m not constantly doubting myself and my abilities. I need to start loving myself again!
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