The Balancing Act of Holding on and Letting Go
The world works in mysterious ways. I have recently returned home from over forty months on the road. Back home around family and friends, back to routine, back to focusing on my health, back to work, back to a world I haven’t lived in for a very long time. While I boarded my first flight to London on April 14, 2015, I had no idea what lay ahead, how my body, mind and soul would transform over the next few years. I was intelligent in many ways, but I quickly discovered the ignorance that seeped through my bones through the countless countries I wandered through.
As I reflect on the past three and a half years I find myself extremely nostalgic and overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions. I have seen places in this world I never knew existed. I have met individuals from all around the world with drastically different backgrounds, but for some reason it felt like our souls had known each other for years. I formed friendships that quickly turned into family. I learned to trust my instincts and better yet trust myself. I learned that wearing your heart on your sleeve and loving deeply is never a weakness, for the love that I found for the world and certain souls is incomparable to anything I had experienced in this lifetime prior to departing from the States.
I have a new found compassion for the world. I realize how lucky I am to have grown up where I did, have the support system that surrounded me, the education and opportunities that encompassed my upbringing and the little joys I was able to indulge in for the first twenty four years of my life, such as being able to open my mouth while taking a shower. It truly is the little things we take for granted. I also find myself looking up to the people around the world that convey nothing, but happiness and gratitude given they have very little in comparison. I have learned possessions do not define you, it is the way you carry yourself and how you treat others that truly matters.
I have learned to trust the energy flows of the earth. I have learned to ask for help when I need it. Since being home and gradually recovering from DCS, slowly but surely I have gotten back to my daily yoga practice. I have ventured deep into my soul to find where I am still lacking, what fulfills me today and always reminding myself to appreciate the present moment. There was one day in particular where yoga really hit home pushing my physical body to it’s limits while bringing up past emotions with some of my favorite music. I walked out of practice in tears, sat in my car and asked for help. Help to guide me in the right direction, assistance in moving on and opening my heart back up to opportunities. Within the next few days, I came across new acquaintances who find interest in the same activities I do and demonstrates happiness on their sleeves. The energies of the world fell into line and with a little help from the spirits above I am finding a balance between letting go and holding on.
I am allowed to hold on the relationship I had with Jesse and cherish the wonderful times that we had, but without letting go of the hurt and guilt I carry that came with his passing I was quickly succumbing myself to a lonely life of what ifs, building walls around my heart, keeping it away from everyone that could potentially hurt me. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my bad days, but it comes in waves. My dear friend sent me a link to a beautiful entry written by an elderly man that has lost many people he cared deeply for. His words ring true in so many ways. Click here to read what he has to say.
Life is about moderation in all things. It’s about finding a balance between holding on to memories and letting go of expectations. The balance between restriction and release. Indulge in your temptations. Remove yourself from judgement. Absorb acceptance. Acceptance of yourself, of what has been and what is. This acceptance will teach you that in order to let go you must hold on to what you know benefits and betters you as a human, and that is what human experience is all about. Never fear to make mistakes, for mistakes are a part of the ride. It’s human nature to doubt, but never doubt you’re ability to persevere. Love and live feely. Ask for help when you need it. Do not be afraid to be vulnerable because vulnerability is a strength and in these lessons we find true happiness within.
Dreams do come true, but it’s the dreams you never knew you had that come to fruition right before your very eyes when you least expect it. It was a risk to buy that solo plane flight to London that led me down this path and it all started with the shock of being laid off from my job. I turned a TERRIBLE experience into the biggest blessing of my life. Three and a half years later it took a near death experience to guide me back to my hometown, but coming home this time was different and I now realize this is where I belong. I have figured out who I am, what drives me and ignites my inner spirit. I will never stop traveling but I now know I do not want to go alone anymore.
The past forty months has been full of countless life lessons and experiences. I’ve learned to adjust to norms I was never familiar with while learning to properly communicate with people who do not speak a lick of English. I have battled lines at the airports, countless hours in tuk tuks and buses loaded with too many humans, eaten with my hands, wiped with my hands(not a good idea), walked many miles in my birkenstocks and learned how to say thank you in thirty four different languages. I have left each country more humbled and confident, respecting the diversity this world has to offer. If I could give you one tip for the future, although sunscreen is a good one, I challenge you to be open to all the beauty and love in this world. Eventually you’ll find yourself in awe of the land we live in. Thanks for your support over the years my friends, I hope my journey inspires you to jump out of your comfort zone.