Patterns. Thoughts. Feelings. Actions.
Sorry I have been absent as of late my friends and devoted followers. I have made a massive life transition in the last three months and have been busy trying to put myself out there again while setting down some roots. Let me tell you the move to Colorado has been a whirlwind, but I am constantly reassured I made the right decision by exploring a new place.
Not only does Denver have a handful of live music venues just a five minute Lyft down the road, but the mountains and national parks are close by allowing me to snowboard and get lost in nature whenever I please. The city life has been easy to adjust to, however, the winters take a bit of patience and time given that I have never actually lived through seasons and didn’t come prepared to trudge through snow every week. It is true what they say… “There is no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing.” It has been fun exploring a new place with some of my closest friends, but setting down roots can be intimidating especially for someone like me who hasn’t done such a thing since leaving her consistent somewhat planned out life in April of 2015.
Settling down comes with heaps of new experiences dowsed with loads of anxiety and plain out fear. Fear of whether or not I made the right decision. Fear of stability. Fear of old habits dying hard. Fear that my old thoughts will creep back and I’ll find myself in continuous pattern of self doubt. Do not get me wrong I have had my moments... I realize that my travels occupied my mind in a sort of way that allowed me to escape reality and focus on the different cultures encompassing me. Everything was a learning experience and with daily life in the states I am trying to look at each day in the same light. Routine was an aspect of daily life that I missed, but now when I find myself in a routine I notice that I am constantly looking for an escape. My desire to have something new and exciting will never falter. That’s when it all hit me, why do we constantly force ourselves to be in such a routine? Why can’t we do something new everyday or at least once a week? Meet a new friend in the yoga locker room and randomly ask them to go to a comedy show (yes, I did this) or accept a blind date offer at the bar across the street or better yet one to the mountains (yes, I did this too). There is no reason I shouldn’t be taking the risks I took in other countries in my home country just because I am afraid of being judged for being out of the ordinary or as some would label it a bit too wild.
I noticed how much weight my repetitive thoughts carried when it came to every day life. When I first got back the thoughts of “you are so far behind, look at everyone else and their careers, look at all of your friends in relationships, all your friends getting married, having children,” constantly played on repeat like a broken record in my brain enveloping me in a tidal wave of self doubt. It truly broke me down thought by thought. I never realized how much one’s environment can bring back old habits and there I was again constantly comparing myself to others. I caught myself doing it and thought, “what the hell?! I never cared about all of this when I was out of the country why should I now?” Is it because I am almost thirty and I still feel like I have no plan? Is it because I constantly fear I might end up going through life without my special person? Well yeah those thoughts cross my mind often, but then I realize really all YOU have is YOU so YOU better start loving YOU again or else you aren’t going to be open to finding that partner in life that wants to take over the world by your side.
When I found Jesse, it was when I least expected it. It was when I loved myself the most. Since losing him, I started down the dark cycle of hating myself. I lost myself in mourning him. Part of my identity became the idea that my only partner/love chose to leave by his own hand. I let it overcome me. I let the guilt eat away at me everyday. I started to believe I wasn’t good enough. I fell back into the same patterns and habits. Drinking too much, smoking too much, eating too much, then trying to reverse that by cleansing, working out, isolating myself. I realized that if I kept this up not only would I be in a constant state if misery, but Jesse would be damn disappointed that the woman he loved was really killing herself yet again.
I started to get angry, but then I realized how lucky I am to have experienced all that I have thus far. Thirty four countries in four years! Who does that? And then BOOM! LIGHTBULB! Why don’t I channel that anger into motivation to be better?
So what do I do? I switched my mindset, changed my environment, tried something new. Every night before bed I manifest what I want by saying it out loud. I thank the universe for all it has given me and continue to ask for guidance. I wake up every morning and immediately meditate, I practice yoga daily and try to be outside as much as possible. I keep good people around me and although I may spread myself too thin at times and, of course, I have my bad days, however, I truly believe I am right where I need to be.
I am finally putting myself out there again and by that I mean, yes I am trying to date. By trying I mean going on at least one first date a week. It’s been weird to say the least. First dates are AWKWARD, but I guess you have to do it in order to meet your person. Since being in Denver I have met a couple nice guys, I have been cat-fished (for reals), and taken to the mountain by a sociopath. No joke, this guy was straight insane. The first two hours of the day together we spent sitting in his probation office where minute by minute he grew angrier and more agitated. Being the positive happy go lucky gal that I am, I tried to liven his spirits, only to be squashed in pure terror of his degrading comments of being a chicken-lipped fraud who lives behind a veil of positivity. I seriously thought he was going to leave me on the side of the road in a blizzard and since he blatantly told me he doesn’t have feelings I knew there would be no chance in hell he’d come back to pick me up. After that date I crumbled and took a week off...
I swear after only three months in Denver I have enough material to produce a hysterical/frightening novel about the art of dating apps. Mastering the Art of Swiping: The Do’s, The Don’ts, and The Holy Crap How Did I Get Here?
What I am trying to say is if you find yourself falling back into the same patterns, change something. Us humans like to dwell on the shoulds, coulds and woulds. We live in the past or dream about the future. Our thoughts turn into feelings which turn into actions which turn into the patterns that run our world. Break free of the mold. Try something new, find something you love and do it daily. MEDITATE & BE PRESENT. But first and foremost, LOVE YOURSELF. Believe you are good enough and trust yourself to know what’s best for you.
I am going to make more of an effort to write more as I lost the motivation somewhere in between my first and fifteenth live music show here in Denver. Second guessing yourself is normal, but allowing yourself to dwell on whether or not you made the right decision isn’t going to change your future. Be okay with the now, embrace opportunities and be kind to one another. No matter who you are or what you’ve been through, don’t let your past define your future. You are bright, beautiful and strong and you deserve all the happiness in the world.